God's vacation
by AngelicIncubus
Summary: Oppai are holy. Women were made with them for a very specific reason in particular... or were they just the result of a perverted deity's imagination? Either way, they are a blessing onto us all, even the one who made them. Rated M for language and sexual themes. I don't own anything. Reviews and constructive criticism are highly appreciated (I want to do my best for you guys!)
1. Holy oppai

**Chapter 1: Boobs Are Holy**

By now, it's no secret that the God of the bible had died in the Great War all those years ago. What was a secret, was that it was just a ploy to give him time off. After sealing Trihexa, he was growing more and more bored with his occupation and the constant fighting. What he really wanted to do was kick back, relax, and Netflix-and-chill with whatever beauty with giant breasts he could get his divine hands on. Screw the natural order of things, he just wanted to **grope some boobs**. He could undo everything in the blink of an eye anyway… well, maybe not everything. Those two extradimensional dragons were just going to be left alone, nothing he did worked on them and it only aggravated him more. Of course, his brother (Great Red) and sister (Ophis) weren't exactly beings he had created, they just popped in out of nonexistence with him(copycats no doubt). Aww well, as long as there's tits, he's good.

A few years, give or take a few centuries passed and kami-sama was enjoying his time in his specially created pocket dimension. Nothing had interested him in particular, but nothing bothered him enough to seek a hobby out. Then, came the "Big Bang". Boobs of exceptional size grew on these new age women, so he decided that it was about time he stepped out of his shell and into the world of breasts. That one woman who was around 100 years old, Raynare or whatever her name was, caught his eye first, so he decided "why not" and descended upon the earth in the disguise of an elderly man with a badass beard.

Upon tracking the fallen angel down, he saw her on a "date" of sorts. She had killing intent oozing out of her, so the Lord decided that he'd make a badass entrance and step in at just the moment she decided to do it, and maybe get an upskirt in the meantime.

"Would you die for me" Raynare whispered into the adolescent boy's ears. Upon uttering the words a second time after asked to reiterate, she formed a light spear in her hand and proceeded to thrust it at the confused youth. True to his self-imagined heroic image, God stepped in and stopped the spear with his pinky finger. Flustered, the fallen one started shouting. "Who the hell are you!?" she said, not noticing the boy had vanished. The Lord then proceeded to move faster than even her eyes could see, and landed behind her. With vigor in his eyes and excitement in his hands, he reached up and grabbed those enormous honkers he had tracked down, fondling them to about an eighth the best of his ability. Raynare, who was previously seething, couldn't help but notice that it actually felt damn good. She blushed, and let out a small moan after trying to fight it back but failing.

"I'm just an old man with a healthy admiration for the female body" the deity said. Releasing her, she stumbled back and was pondering retreat. It was only for a moment, but she felt a power that dwarfed even Azazel's, so this man was obviously of the supernatural and a powerful being at that. It was then that she had noticed that her target was gone and began to wonder how he could escape her. Even if she was being fondled (rather well she silently admitted) he couldn't have vanished from her sight in the few seconds it took. The disguised God took it upon himself to explain.

"If you're wondering where that sacred gear user went, the answer is nowhere" he said. "He's right here." Dispelling a barrier, the young boy now popped back into plain sight, just as confused as he had been a few moments earlier. Raynare became lost in thoughts. How did this old man know she was targeting a sacred gear user? How did he erect a barrier in plain sight while also finding the time to get behind her? This man was dangerous, and she'd need to report back to the Grigori heads if she could get away.

"Who are you, WHAT are you?" she said, her tone being more demanding than questioning. Suddenly, 12 golden wings appeared on the man's back. His disguise faded away to reveal a tall, experienced-looking man with a white beard, golden armor from head to toe, and a perfectly sharpened, perfectly clean sword. Raynare, baffled at the brilliance of this enigma's appearance, could do nothing but stare in disbelief at the presence before her.

Shining brilliantly, his voice seemed to boom once he spoke. "I am the one responsible for the creation of the Heavens and Earth alike, I am the being older than time itself. I am the one you have forsaken. I am God, come to finish what **YOU** have started." That sounded as badass out loud as it did in his head, so he gave himself a mental pat on the back. Walking towards the baffled fallen with steps that radiated power, he focused on the objective he had set for himself.

Raynare was baffled. Here before her was THE God, master of all angels. Escape was not an option, as she was simply outclassed in every single category that she could imagine, including speed. Accepting her fate with a fearful expression, she fell to her knees and adopted a praying position, asking for forgiveness and that her life be ended swiftly so she felt no pain. God, able to hear this prayer, smiled as what he was about to do was inevitable.

Upon reaching her position on the ground, the deity put his sword away. Placing his hand on her shoulder and cupping her chin when she raised her head, he explained. "My dear child, I did not come here to make war with you or any of your cohorts, I'm tired of that. I am simply playing on my own whims, and murdering you is not one of them. All I ask is that you give that petrified boy over there, this Issei Hyoudo, a chance. I've felt his aura, and he's as avid an oppai lover as myself."

Stunned, Raynare could only gawk at the deity's speech. Not only because he spared her, but because he openly admitted to being a titty man. So that's why he had groped her before. She really wouldn't mind if he did it again to be honest, but was too embarrassed to ask. She pondered on what he had told her, and decided that it was best if she did what he said. After all, should he ever change his mind, he could destroy the Grigori with the wave of a hand

By now, Issei had passed out due to shock from the many supernatural revelations he had beheld. God had transformed back into his disguise, sure that the sudden power spike would be felt the world over and many supernatural factions would gather shortly. Smiling at the reformed fallen, he called her to attention and gave her one last bit of information before he departed.

"Should you follow my request, you will be rewarded greatly in heaven." Grabbing her right breast firmly but gently, he put his omniscience on everything involving females to use. "I made women like this for a reason, even as you are now, you are holy because your BOOBS are holy. Never forget that." Loosening his hold and letting go, he vanished as a rose fell to the ground. Where the rose came from, no one but him knows, and it was pretty kickass if he says so himself. Raynare, visibly upset that he had left her so hot and bothered with that last groping session, assumed her Amano Yuuma form and began trying to wake Issei up.

God's next plan of action was to go visit Azazel himself. He knew exactly where that young hothead would be, seeing as how this is devil territory. He had kicked him out of heaven only because he didn't invite him to the titty bar with Odin a while back. Serves him right, oppai are holy, how could his own son leave him out like that? Speaking of Odin, he wonders if he still uses that old, tired line "how'd you like to stroke Odin's beard?" to any hot bod he sees. It never worked, and never will.


	2. A Sinful Setting

**Chapter 2: A Sinful Setting**

Kuoh Academy. The central destination for all types of perverts, from peeping toms to extroverted masochists. It has a ratio overwhelmingly in favor of the females, as it's only been co-ed for just over a year. It's a natural hotspot for devils and fallen angels, since they prey on the desires of humans and this place is filled with them. A certain governor fallen angel in particular could be spotted doing some of his unique "research", which is exactly what God had been banking on.

"That boy, he never ceases to examine the fruits of my benevolence." The Lord had created these unique sources of power called "Sacred Gears" and had bestowed them upon the human millennia ago in the hopes that it would bolster their defense against any supernatural being who'd seek to take advantage of them. Azazel, who's "research" extended to just more than the bodies of human females (a habit he had gotten from the deity currently seeking him out by the way) had been tracking down ways to make artificial sacred gears for the majority of the Great War, and had been shockingly close., much to the Lord's chagrin.

Coming upon the old abandoned school building, God felt a surge of demonic power from within it, a clear indication that there were devils afoot. There were 5 auras all clumped together, and one exceptionally larger one just behind the part of the building that it was coming from. Letting out a hearty chuckle, the Lord spoke his thoughts. "So that's your game, eh, boy?" Forging on ahead, God teleported himself right into the middle of those 5 demonic powers.

"Ehhhh!?" was all the shocked devils could release from their mouths. Somehow, an old man had gotten into the clubroom without anyone noticing! The old man stood there, as if he was doing nothing but biding his time. Unbeknowst to them, the old man was doing exactly that, while also taking in the "view".

"A red haired one with GINORMOUS breasts, a pretty-boy who looks like he could pose for Cover Girl, a white-haired loli with an affinity for cats, and WHOA MOMMA a half-fallen with the biggest tits I've ever seen!" God, paying attention to the half fallen specifically, started to leak a bit of blood from his nose after witnessing her sultry smile plastered on her face. Snapping back to his sense, he recalled that there were 5 signatures inside the building. "One of them must be locked away… meh, as long as the ones with the mountainous mounds stay, I'm satisfied!"

Done stalling for time, the Lord shed his appearance and revealed his holy power. All the devils present were appalled by the overflowing energy and presence that seemed to magnify with each passing second. The special guest in the back, whom God had already identified as Azazel, spread his wings and booked it. The Lord then began to explain who he was and what he was there for, to which the devils told him their intentions as well. After conversing, the Lord had an epiphany.

"Gremory-san, may I borrow your half-fallen over there? She could be an _especially_ useful acquaintance for my mission. The redhead to whom he spoke, Rias Gremory, looked with an expression bordering on total confusion. The prettyboy, Kiba Yuuto, had a fake smile from ear to ear. The loli, Koneko Toujou, wore an almost disappointed face. The half-fallen, Akeno Himejima, was intrigued.

"… Perverted Kami-sama" Koneko spoke up. Rias, having been snapped out of it by Koneko's abrasion, spoke politely and promptly. "With all do respect sir, why do you want to take one of **my** servants with you on this mission to find **your** son" she questioned, stressing the possessive words ever so slightly. God, catching the slight emphasis and being amused, assured the head devil of his plans.

"Well, I'm not going to deny that there's going to be a bit of perversion involved, but I won't be the one supplying the lust" he explained. "You see, as she is half-fallen _and_ half devil, her… "assets" are nearly unrivaled due to those two species powers that play on desires. I'm simply using these assets to ensure that the mission is a success. No harm will come to her, she'll keep her purity, and I'll even reward all of you." With that, he turned to look at the busty half-breed, and noticed a slight air of mischief.

None of the members, including Rias, knew what to do. If they denied him, he'd surely purge them all with the slightest twinge of his finger. If they went along with it, it might mean sacrificing a loved one. Then it hit them. **God can't sin.** He was the personification of everything holy and was absolute in that domain. Of course, they were unaware of his previous escapade with the fallen angel Raynare and the human Issei, but what they don't know won't hurt them. Deciding to give him a chance, Rias approved of his taking of Akeno. The girl in question was sincerely surprised and a bit excited, seeing as how she liked to cause a bit of mischief every now and then. Smiling, God took Akeno, arm and arm, and promptly vanished from sight, leaving the devils stunned and a bit queasy at the surge of holy power.

Arriving atop a building after having followed the aura that Azazel gave off as he moved, God and his recently borrowed cohort stood tall. There attires were blowing in the wind as they gazed at the trail of energy, which the Lord thought was pretty badass. Taking the time to make sure that the trail didn't fade or turn a different direction, the two let their thoughts run wild.

"Ufufu, he sure can run. I like a man with stamina." Akeno, with a sadistic smile on her face and a distant gleam in her eye, fantasized about all the things she could do to a naughty governor of fallen angels like this. She didn't know what he looked like, but if he was kicked out of Heaven for what God had told them, he surely must be popular amongst the ladies (God had told the ORC that Azazel was kicked for creating a harem under his nose.)

"And I like women who are about to bust out of their tops" the Lord silently replied to Akeno's statement. He didn't think he'd find someone with such an impossibly large chest, but thank himself for giving women these flesh sacs of joy! Becoming alert again and feeling 3 tiny powers that had been following them around since the start of their voyage(obviously the ORC), the Lord snapped out of his vivid fantasies and made a declaration.

"Okay, miss Himejima was it? Here's the plan, child. We're going to cut him off, and you're going to use your… assets to lure him in to a pre-specified area. I'll mask my energy so he won't notice me, and then pounce when the time is right. Afterwards, you are free to do whatever you like if it's ok with your master." Akeno, clearly having not came all the way back from her sadistic purgatory mindset, replied "Ufufu, sure, sounds good to me."

Racing down the streak and ahead of the now coasting Azazel (he was sure he had lost that old man and mystery hybrid) God and Akeno stopped at a shady looking district with love hotels scattered about. Taking on the form of a bush (because he's mlg like that) the Lord hid himself amongst the miniscule amount of vegetation blocked by the hotels. Akeno changed into a yellow sundress complete with sandals and a hat and let her hair down. The hat was more than just an accessory. She'd need him to notice only her body, not her face for the plan to work.

Azazel, deciding to take a rest, stopped at that same district. He didn't have any particular interest in love hotels and didn't even have a mate, but he was sure he could fabricate something. Just then, he noticed a women with a buxom figure and long, black hair all by her lonesome. Adopting a "eh what the hell" expression, he strolled over to her and began to make conversation.

"Well hello there, young lady. My name's Azarel, and I see that you might have gotten lost. This is the _love hotel_ part of the district."

"Ufufu, I'm not lost at all. I was just looking for someone to help satisfy my urges." Akeno, leaning the hat over her face like in those cheesy romcom anime where the main heroine first meets her true love as a kid, replied back. "I'm a pretty picky person, but I must say that you look quite _promising_." This put a shit-eating grin on Azazel's face, who didn't need to be told that to be confident in his looks.

"Well, I'm not opposed to proving you right. Care to take a gander?" he replied back. Thinking himself about to get lucky, he cupped Akeno's arm with his and proceeded to the hotel nearest them. Truthfully, he was fully aware of who she was, as he had sensed her aura before even getting chummy with her, but he didn't think that meant she was doing anything devious. He was rather happy about her doings, being out here alone and all.

He suddenly found himself in a headlock, akin to the one an older brother would apply to a younger one. Glancing up, the buxom lady was no longer there, and this surge of power he felt was slightly unnerving. Looking upward to see his captor, he confirmed his guess. "Hi dad, hehe."

"You know why I'm here, boy" God retorted.

"… The tits? Because I'm here for that too! Why don't I go and get us some hot babes from a place that's not here?" Azazel said, genuinely thinking that would work on his omniscient father.

"That's part of it, but not all!" the Lord boomed, causing Azazel to sigh in the unescapable headlock that had been applied to him. "Then what is it that you're really after, old man?"

"Not just any old pair of tits, the boobs of boobs (BxB) boyo!" God wasted no time in explaining his reasons for being there. "The last time you and Odin went to a titty bar, I was pretty peeved. Not only because you were getting all the action for yourselves, but because you didn't tell me that Odin would be bringing his BANGING bodyguard with him!" he exclaimed. "She is a SINGLE woman with no other suitors, just so happens to be the hottest thing this side of school swimsuits, and is fucking LEGAL with no kids! That's hard to find, boy!"

Azazel, inwardly agreeing, came up with a plan to appease his father. "Hey, dad, what if I took you to go meet that "banging" bodyguard and you forget about that whole "leaving you out" thing huh, huh?" he said, with a satisfied smirk. His dad was an even bigger lecher than him, kicking him out of heaven for it and all. "I believe her name is Rossweisse."

The Lord was ecstatic. He knew Azazel was just trying to schmooze his way out of a punishment, but the offer was tempting. He had an actual crush on this Valkyrie, and couldn't wait to see her. Dragging his son back to the old abandoned school building where he conversed with the devils, he fantasized about "meeting and greeting" with the silver haired beauty while sending small amounts of holy energy down Azazel's spine to punish him. On the way, he felt like he had two sets of eyes watching him, but didn't think _they_ would interfere if just ignored them.

Silently, in the adjacent void known as the "Dimensional Gap", Great Red and Ophis (God's siblings) plotted. There was nothing to do there except troll their brother, and troll they shall.


	3. Divine Mischief

**AfroKenji- thanks bro, I was kind of frustrated with the lack of expansion on the character in the canon story and just about everywhere else on here, so I decided to write about him myself. I'm doing a crossover next, but I'll definitely keep your suggestion to use him later on in the front of my mind! Onto the story peeps!**

 **Chapter 3: Divine Mischief**

The atmosphere in the clubroom was rather tense for the devils. The leaders of both the angel and fallen angel factions had amassed under their roof, and to make matters worse, both of them were strong enough to wipe out hundreds of high class devils without breaking a sweat, but that wasn't the worst thing about it. How was God going to "reward" them!?

Azazel, sensing the tension in the air _and_ Akeno glaring daggers at his back, pondered about defusing the room but quickly resigned when his father raised his aura pressure (that was essentially the way he said "don't speak unless spoken to." Geez, the only other shitty geezer he disliked more was Odin.) God, being the jolly entity he was, was the first to speak.

"As promised, I've brought your subordinate back unharmed, free of impurities, and I intend to reward you all hastily as well for letting me borrow her." He spoke with the air of a polite gentleman who meant no harm, although if they knew the chronicles of his brief time on earth, they wouldn't be so quick to accept the gratitude. Rias seemed unsure of what to say, but assumed her role as the leader in short figure.

"God, sir, your holiness, how exactly do you intend to reward us _devils_ , your mortal enemies?" Rias speech was a bit shaky, but clearly dignified enough to pass her off as royalty. Azazel, too disengaged to care, pulled out his artificial sacred gear earlier (that God had shook him down for on the way here then punished him with a "holy" wedgie) and donned his balance breaker suit. This gave the illusion of him listening intently, as the suit itself sat upright and sturdy, but Azazel himself had long fallen asleep inside of it after his father raised his aura. The Lord let this slide, as it was the same thing he would do when in a meeting with the other religions' chief deities. Sporting a winning smile, God answered Rias' question.

"I'm just going to give you guys' strengths a _boost_ " he said with all the sincerity he could muster. The devils, confused at the vague answer, sat silently. Suddenly, they felt certain _things_ about them changing. Rias' clothing began to shapeshift, until she found herself sporting a school swimsuit that emphasized _all_ of her curves. Akeno's clothing had shapeshifted into something extremely similar to Raynare's fallen angel outfit, which was no doubt S&M inspired. Koneko began to grow until she had a figure that matched Rias', and her cat appendages sprouted from their locations. Kiba… turned into a girl.

"EHH!?" was all the members of the Occult Research Club, except the pleasantly surprised Akeno, could respond with. God, still holding the same cheesy grin he had given them prior to initiating their rewards, explained himself. "You see, you guys are all attractive even by supernatural standards, so I just played to your strengths." He went on, clearly proud of his trolling. "Miss Rias is the president every guy fawns over, so to see her in a school swimsuit would just melt their brains. Miss Akeno is popular among a very specific group of people who don't mind getting stepped on, miss Koneko's neko power will only be amplified by her new hot bod, and the pretty-boy… I just did that for fun." He added one final bit of information. "Oh yeah, these "boosts" will last until the end of your first semester of this year."

The devils, realizing that their semester had only begun just a few days ago, were prepared to retort, but God and his wayward, sleeping son had already vanished. Left to ponder over how they were going to deal with this, they all said their peace.

"… He just played us, big-time" Koneko said in a monotone voice, though she silently went on in her head, "but I don't exactly _hate_ what he did to my chest though…"

"You mean to tell me I have to go to school every day, for the rest of the semester, LIKE THIS!?" Rias practically yelled. She wasn't shy about her beauty and had no problem flaunting her body every now and again, but exposing herself for months on end to total strangers was a bit much.

"Only God knows how screwed I am… wait, that bastard!" Kiba said in his (her?) new girly voice, noticing the double meaning in the sentence that he/she just formulated.

"Ara Ara, I don't see the problem here" Akeno said, clearly aroused at the thought of punishing all the lechers who would leer at her because of this outfit and hearing their squeals. "It's never bad to have just a little bit of fun."

( **Elsewhere)**

Issei was in the classic "lap pillow" position, laying on Raynare. They had made up, with Raynare assuming her Yuuma form and telling Issei that all he had seen was in fact real. She had genuine feelings for him now, as he readily accepted her apology and even wanted to go out with her again sometime. That is why she struggled not to move, as she was somehow now completely naked! It had happened only a few moments ago around the time she felt an energy spike towards Issei's school, but she hadn't realized what that was until she felt Issei's breathing a little _too_ much on her skin.

"Just my luck, going commando in a park alone with a horny teenager… though, if it's with him, maybe…" she pondered such thoughts, until she saw the leader of the Grigori and the leader of the angels flying over her head. She had noticed them because of the masked-but-still-there aura they gave off. She couldn't but wonder, did they notice her?

"So, did you like the show?" God questioned Azazel in a cheeky manner. Azazel responded in kind.

"You mean at the Gremory's territory? Yeah, sure." Azazel had been asleep, but he woke up just in time to see the bizarre spectacle that his father had caused in his conscious absence. They didn't call the guy a "miracle worker" for nothing in their religion.

"No not that, I meant down there" the Lord said, pointing directly below them. Azazel, already having gotten an idea of where he had got that revealing outfit from that he put on the half-fallen, obliged and looked down. There he saw the completely naked Raynare, with the only thing keeping her modest being Issei's sleeping body. Azazel, being a natural trouble maker himself, felt a slight trickle of pride coming from the lineage of such a troll.

"You know, it's mean to pick on my subordinates like that, dad."

"Just admit you like it, boyo. There's a reason you keep _her_ around and that's so you won't have to keep any porn mags around too." Azazel, having been defeated, just sighed and asked about miscellaneous.

"So dad, besides "getting to know" that rather busty Valkyrie, what else are you going to do?"

"… Sleep I guess, even though I don't need it, it's nice to just have peace and quiet for a while, that's the whole reason I disappeared." With that, they flew undetected to their respective resting places. God to a holy shrine directly below his Gates of Heaven, and Azazel to the Grigori V.I.P. quarters. Unbeknownst to the deity, he wasn't the only troll there that night.

 **(God's Resting Place, The Next Morning)**

Waking up from his slumber, God summoned his celestial strength and hopped out of bed, but not before stepping on a whoopee cushion that released fire as hot as the sun's surface. Of course, being God, he could negate it without a problem. Picking up the cushion, or rather, levitating it, he read what he had hoped not to.

"Dear onii-san,

You already know who this is from. Me and Great Red just wanted to share the love brother. Enjoy our little gift, we really hope you "warm up" to it!

Sincerely, Us"

"Good grief, those two cause me nothing but headaches." Putting on his robes and heading for the door, he decided that the only thing that could remedy him was that perfect pair of jugs that he had sought ever since he learned of her. "It's time to go to Asgard!"


	4. Friends With Benefits (and Solids)

**Sup' guys! This chapter is the last one for now in my first fanfic, so it's going to be longer than usual! I'll try to conclude in a manner that makes as much sense as possible without rushing the story, so sit tight!**

 **Chapter 4: Friends With Benefits (And Solids)**

It was a long fly to the pocket dimension of Asgard. God could've teleported himself straight there, but that would've given him less time to fantasize about that bishoujo named Rossweisse, and put him face to face with Odin. Odin wasn't his enemy, but God felt that they might disagree over his taking to the Valkyrie. The last time they disagreed over something, they destroyed that part of the earth called "Pangea" or whatever with their auras flaring, and the Lord didn't want a repeat of that, seeing as how he was the one that had to clean it up (all the other pantheons had no involvement, and Odin had diplomatic immunity, that old bastard).

Halfway there, he sensed 2 energies nearby flaring up, though they weren't filled with malice. One had sorrow lingering around it, and the other had mischief swarming through its construct. Interested and not afraid of a detour, God decided to check out the scene. He came upon a landscape dominated by a large river. What he found there, however, wasn't as majestic a sight as the flowing body of water.

"WAHHHHHHH, I'M JUST A VALKYRIE WHO'S AGE DENOTES THE NUMBER OF YEARS I'VE BEEN SINGLE!" A silver haired beauty, identical to the one God was on this trek for, sat there crying. Above her stood the Nordic god of mischief, Loki, sporting a self-satisfied look and a sadistic grin. Not one to let tears fall from the ladies' eyes, God took to the landscape and confronted the prankster deity.

"Not digging the tears, youngin" the Lord spoke out, causing both the presumed Valkyrie and Loki to turn in unison towards the voices origin. "Oh hey, it's that douche of a kid Loki. How's it going numb nuts?" God spoke brashly and uninhibited, knowing full well that Loki wouldn't dare challenge the man who stood on equal footing with his father.

"… I'm fine" Loki replied, his composure almost immediately broken. With his voice slightly cracking and sweat dropping down the side of his face, he shakily replied again. "What brings you here, chief deity of the Christian religion?" You could just _smell_ the fuckboy-ness coming off of him.

"Oh nothing, just looking for a certain Valkyrie" the Lord replied, grinning from ear to ear at his heroics working. Turning his head to the girl in question, he continued. "You there, you happen to resemble that stunning maiden a lot. Is your name Rossweisse by any chance?" God put all the swag he could into the mention of her potential name.

The woman, more surprised at the fact that a man had looked favorably upon her than that she was about to reply to the chistian God, answered meekly. "Y-Yes, yes that's my name your holiness." Remembering her manners, she bowed her head in a show of respect after she stopped sniffling from her previous activity. Loki, disgusted at the mushy gunk that he was witnessing, strayed off silently into the sky, cursing himself for being the only intelligent being in a sea of idiots.

The truth of the matter was that Rossweisse had turned Loki down not too long ago. Loki, being the narcissist he is, couldn't fathom _why_ or _how_ he could be rejected (basically Kiba with an actual god complex). Rossweisse, having no experience with even mortal men, did so in a haze of confusion and shyness. Loki then decided to press the attack, and as his title portrays, he did some rather mischievous things to try to win her over. The silver haired beauty, being reminded of the way Odin treats her, broke down in a fit of crying (she had actually created the river). Loki decided that she wasn't worth it and he was just going to be satisfied with pulling off some mischief for the day, sporting his aforementioned grin. Moments later, God intervened.

Back to the situation at hand, Rossweisse couldn't believe that she was being sweet-talked. Stammering while trying to get to her feet, the Lord helped her gain her balance. She freaked out at his touch, and began doing various body contusions that would make you assume she was screaming "FAIRY GOD PARENTS!"

"Whoa babe, calm down! I'm only here to help!" the Lord semi-shouted. After a full 2 minutes, the maiden got to her feet and tried uttering her gratitude. "T-t-t-t-thank y-y-y-youuuu." God got a kick out of this, and, taking after Loki a bit for shits and giggles, pulled her closer as he had not let her out of his grasp yet. With as seductive a face as he could create, he uttered the words _every_ women (of Japanese descent anyway) wanted to hear from someone they liked.

"I won't let you sleep tonight." Yes, it was cliché, he thought, but it worked nonetheless for his amusement. Rossweise practically short-circuited, her face turning hot pink and her eyes dilating. To even God's surprise, she passed out. Scratching his head, he came to the conclusion that he'd just carry her to Asgard with him and explain to Odin later. On his way there, he came upon a trekking Loki who was still muttering about bringing Ragnarok about because of everyone's incompetence. "Time for a little fun on the way", the Lord thought.

Loki was the god of mischief, so naturally, if something that could aid him in wreaking havoc popped up, he was drawn to it. An aura the size of which Loki only felt from Odin came rushing from a hilly destination with a large boulder in plain view. Loki flew at a speed that was almost comical, ecstatic that something like this would conveniently present itself to him. "With this much power, it's only a matter of time before I can initiate Ragnarok" he thought. Upon arrival, he felt another huge aura approaching him. "Who's there!" he called out. Just as quickly as it appeared, the aura petered out, as if it had never been there in the first place. Loki, deeming it a hallucination, went on to the boulder where the power was originating from. He found a note in the center of it that answered his question, plainly reading:

"Deez nuts."

"…" He was at a loss for words. That aura he felt was familiar, but he thought he had left _those_ two behind. Once again complaining about his fate, only with more expletives this time, he took to the skies. Loki, the god of mischief, had been outdone on this day by the (presumably) goody-two shoes God of the bible. Maybe retirement wasn't all bad.

Laughing his ass off with Rossweisse in tow, the Lord quickly made his way to Odin's abode. Upon arrival, he was greeted by Odin himself, having sensed his power relatively easy.

"Oh, I see you've found my assistant" the elder Norse god said, wielding his walking cane and sporting a somewhat goofy expression. "I had wondered if she had finally run away or not."

"HOW COULD YOU LOSE THIS HOT PIECE OF ASS!?" the Lord lashed out. He didn't want any problems, but was flabbergasted at how Odin of all people would let this glorious pair of oppai just walk right out. "Do you not want her or something?" he continuing, returning to a more normal tone. Odin, thinking his reason for letting her leave perfectly valid, announced it.

"Dude, she's old."

"… Really?" was all God could say, shocked at Odin's answer. "You watched the earth form, and you think _she's_ old?" The Lord took a jab at the All-Father, seeing as how they were old acquaintances at the time of creation. Rossweisse, knocked out hitherto this point, began to stir. The familiar sensation of being unwanted was there, but something else was there too. Something… _warm_. "What is this?" she wondered. Opening her eyes, she was shocked to see two of the most powerful deities in the world conversing over her.

"Oh, looks like she's come to" Odin said nonchalantly. Placing his Gungnir in a floating stasis, he greeted his run-away bodyguard. "How's it going, widow?" he said with a smirk. God was confused at the question. "She had already married?" he thought.

"I CAN'T BE A WIDOW BECAUSE I'VE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND, WAHHH" she suddenly burst out. It was then that God fully realized what Odin had done. Retreating into his thoughts for a moment, he strategized the best way to get Odin to agree to his wish, and to stop the maiden from crying before she formed another river. A light bulb dinged over his head, and he saw that Odin was an even bigger pervy prick than he was. Knowing how pricks worked, he offered Odin a deal that he couldn't refuse.

"Say Odin, I've got a proposition for you." He was fully confident in his plan as he went on. "There's this girl, she's pretty young and has the hottest bod I've ever seen. She says her dream is to one day be your personal beard stroker." Odin, his curiosity peaked, inquired. "Go on" the All-Father of the Norse rattled out.

"Her name's…" the Lord paused for a moment, trying to think of as legit a name as possible. "Her name's **Kibari** , and she's a devil from my religion." Kiba was, unfortunately for him(her?) the first person that came to the Lord's mind since he had mettled with the Gremory group the day before. Without giving Odin any time to postulate, he went on with his plan.

"I'll tell her to come meet you in a few, **if** I can borrow this little Valkyrie of yours." Rossweisse, torn over the fact that she was being bargained over like an item but could potentially be whisked away by a _chief deity_ , stayed silent and didn't even move, almost as if she was frozen. Odin stroked his beard and paced back and forth, weighing the loss and the gain uncharacteristically meticulously(mostly because other deities would give him flack if he traded away his bodyguard so easily, otherwise it'd be a done deal). God, seeing an opportunity, pounced on it.

"I've got a photo if you want to see it." This broke Odin out of his trance, and he simply replied that he would like to. Holding up a photo of Kiba's girl form (he had snapped pics with his bult-in camera on his armor's chestplate) and began showing off the more… _appealing_ parts of it. Pointing to the oversized chest, thin legs, and young face, he chiseled away at Odin's lecherous, old mind. "And all you need to do to meet her, is have this dame give me a bit of her time."

Odin was defeated. This girl was beyond sexy, and she was young too!With gusto in his voice, he enthusiastically accepted the deal. "Done! You can keep the old lady for as long as you want, just let me see this rather _gifted_ devil of yours as soon as you can!" God, smiling, handed Odin the photo, said "collateral", and teleported off in a huff with a shocked Rossweisse. As they were moving through the dimensional void that is teleportation, a wave of lustful aura hit him. "This is incredible" he thought. "No auras can usually enter the void, this one must be so strong that it overrode the boundaries in place." Making a sharp turn in the color-filled void, making sure not jerk Rossweisse harshly, he made a b-line for the source of the energy.

"You should count yourself lucky you can even stand in my presence!" Raynare said while wearing an outfit undoubtedly designed for S&M. "A queen such as myself is generous towards even worms like you!" Issei, with her high-heeled boot firmly planted on his chest, didn't really seem to mind it. In fact, he had heart-shaped eyes and seemed to mumble things unintelligibly. They were in his home, and the only two there.

"… The kid must have asked for this" the Lord said, having witnessed that exchange. God knew a masochist when he saw one, and Issei was most definitely "one of them". Rossweisse was immensely flustered, and covered her eyes out of embarrassment for peaking on a couple. To this, God said "don't shy away from this, it's just love, a specific type of love, but love nonetheless", trying to use as many euphemisms as possible to spare the pure valkyrie's heart. Flying off, they were in his field of view long enough for Raynare to pull out a whip. "As if the kid wasn't already whipped", the Lord thought.

Stopping by the Occult Research Club, he was pleased to find all the members there. Without directly stepping in, he reverted them back to their previous states. He was a troll, but not coldhearted like that to leave them in those states. The only one of them that showed visible relief was Rias. Koneko, patting her chest and blinking, sighed after she came to some type of realization. Akeno wasn't too bad off, she just wondered where she'd get such an outfit again for future "endeavors". Kiba… didn't change back. God had made that promise with Odin, and he intended to keep it (at least as far as he could without wrecking the pretty boy's life completely). Kibari was pretty irate at the fact that she(he?) was the only one to remain afflicted.

Retuning to heaven, the Lord allowed Rossweisse to rest on a cloud. She liked the fluffy sensation, almost as if this was her dream bed or something. Snapping out of her stupor when called upon, she turned towards the Lord.

"Now, fair young maiden, I have brought you into my kingdom. May I ask you to do something for me?" he said, being as polite as possible. Rossweisse, ever the loyal soldier, replied swiftly. "Y-Yes my lord, what is it that you ask of me?" God, with a winning smile, vanished into thin air. Within that same second, he came back with a bevy of outfits. A school swimsuit, teacher apparel, an apron, etc. With the same grin plastered on his face, he asked his question.

"Could you model for me, Valkyrie-san? Your beauty is unmatched and I need a face for my "I'm back" campaign. For all the beautiful women on the planet, God thought that she was the pinnacle. He'd need nothing less than perfection to announce his return, since everybody that participated in the Great War thought that he was dead. His smile twisting, showing the slightest hint of lecherous thoughts, he threw in one more statement.

"Oh, and if you're worried about compensation, don't be. I'm **God** baby, I can pay by the second." Rossweisse was once again torn. It was not in her to disobey her superiors, that was the way she was raised, but this was crazy. "Is he serious? He wants me… to model!? It's so indecent, but it's the first time a man has ever complimented me, much less a god! What should I do!?" As she was short circuiting once again, God had formulated one final plan. This would be the most elaborate one yet, and he had to pull it off perfectly to not risk driving her away.

"Yolo." He said it boldly and confidently. With a confused look on her face, Rossweisse began to pace back and forth, almost as if she was an impatient customer. The Lord further expanded upon his declaration. "You only live once, so why not? The benefits are certainly better than being with that geezer Odin, and _my_ son won't make you literally cry a river. He's actually quite popular with the ladies."

Rossweisse, flabbergasted at how the deity brought his son into this, couldn't deny that being in heaven for the few moments she had was better than being constantly neglected by Odin. With a face full of resolution, she replied to his request.

"I accept your request, my lord. Even though I am very clumsy, I will do my best!" she exclaimed. "That's what makes you cute" thought the crafty God. "Great. There's no paperwork or anything, all you have to do is change and we'll get the shoot going. I've crafted a special room just for you, take all the time you need in there."

"Thank you, o hollowed one" she replied. Going into the interdimensional room, she took the apron with her first. God took notice of this, and revealed his most ambition-filled goal yet. "Naked aprons are great, but even better if the one wearing them is my wife" he chuckled. Having accomplished what he set out to do, he returned to his throne and sat on it as he awaited her finishing changing. When he sat down, he felt a familiar sensation though. Suddenly, his throne room filled up with fire as hot as a supernova.

Pulling a whoopee cushion out from under him as he quelled the flames, he read the letter that was attached.

"Dear Onii-san,

In celebration of that smoking-hot girl you brought back with you, I decided to "spice" things up a bit. Just wanted to share the love and say congrats!

Sincerely, Great Red"

With the indifference seeping out of him, the Lord folded the letter back up and proceeded to sit down. Wondering what was taking his maiden so long, he went to check up on her. Coming upon the interdimensional door floating in the air, he opened it just slightly enough to peek in without disturbing her (his masterful lecher skills kicked in). What he saw made him slowly shut it again.

"Play with me, onee-sama!" Ophis shouted. She had found her way into Rossweisse's dressing room, and sufficed to say, wasn't acting like her age. "Get off of me kid!" the silver haired Valkyrie yelled, confused at how a gothic Lolita kid got in. "I'm not sure who you are, but I'm not your big sister!" Rossweisse exclaimed.

"You're gonna marry onii-san right? Then you are!" Ophis gleefully said, tugging at the apron hanging off of Rossweisse's hip. At the mention of marriage, she turned hot red and passed out. Ophis, a little confused, kneeled down and began poking her with her finger, saying "hey old laddyyyyy, are you there?"

Soon enough, God came in with an army of limited edition dolls. Dangling them towards Ophis like she was a dog and throwing them out of the room, he lured her out into a transporting circle. Slamming the door behind him, he looked over at the Valkyrie. Her sleeping face (and body) were beautiful, deserving of heaven, the Lord thought. Sighing, he made a declaration.

"I may be an old lecher and pretty bad at keeping my habits in check too." He went on, "but if there's one thing that I can respect, it's peace and quiet." With that, he pulled the covers over the maiden, leaving everything just as it was for when she would awake. Easing her subconscious pain from passing out, he left out of the room and closed the door shut.

"Oh yeah, and oppai."


End file.
